Report by Neil Magee» Mon May 25, 2015 12:21 pm

match report follows below:

but first...

The tale of Terry Kirkup and the Fruit Shoot Pub Crawl

A quintet of hardy travellers once ventured forth, intent on returning with trophies and glory from the Perry Barr Playing Fields of Birmingham. Instead their quest ended at the B6420 in the middle of Sherwood Forest. The RAC soon confirmed there was to be no reprieve, a magical taxi then appearing to spirit away three of their number for cappuccinos, the remaining two waiting to be towed away. 

Soon the people of the town of Worksop were able to witness some old men pedalling about on bikes with no brakes, while clutching a variety of hold-alls in search of lodgings for the night. With a jolly tavern soon found, all it needed now was a knight in shining armour to arrive to rescue the bikes, though instead all they got was someone who appeared to be an extra from last of the summer wine in a volvo estate, the travellers however all very grateful though that he 'ELPED ART' in their hour of need.

Sustenance was by now urgently required, the adventurers sallying forth to explore the dark and foreboding town, the traveller know as Kirkup enduring terrible pain from his feet, with yet more pain felt as he was forced to enter several alcoholic establishments. Jesus of course fed thousands using only five fishes, but the five fishes purchased in a weatherspoon pub called 'the licquorice gardens' fed only our five heroes in this sorry case.

Kirkup and his band soon found themselves in a local den of inequity, all in the name of watching the speedway GP on telly, he quickly ordering three of his minions that they must consume as much lager as possible in the next three hours, so that they would fit in with the locals. Another of the travellers refused to drink, but as he was dressed in some horrible baggy sweat pants and a dodgy t-shit, was already blending in superbly in any case.

Retiring back to their digs, it was obvious that the drinking must continue, until one of the merry band clearly had enough and began to fall. Celebrating winning the 10'o'clock one pound draw, and the receipt of some lovely shiny monies, it was time for the group to finally go too far...

Out from the bar came, the Fruit Shoots...

Once it had been established that they were not poisonous, or that any nasty alcohol was involved, Kirkup received further instruction on how to pour the liquid from the bottle, finding soon that it was a vast improvement on the 'cordial' he had been offered elsewhere. If only the consequences had been known then ?

The next morning there seemed little change in Kirkup. There was joy as a fair maiden journeyed from the far north to the group's rescue, the original transport was ransacked of all of value (apart from a bunch of grapes which were sadly left behind), Sheffield now the next destination in the adventure.

Kirkup and his partner in this tale, known as 'Jason', were soon riding on track, a blur of speed as they team rode, passing and re-passing the home Rockets. Was this the Fruit Shoots finally kicking in ?

But no, for it seems the Fruit Shoots on their own are impotent, yet when later mixed with Haddock, this lethal cocktail and its effects were unleashed on Kirkup and his unsuspecting companions.

For two hours journeying home Kirkup raved, he now apparently convinced he was a Charva from Benwell, or worse Sunderland, the sight of any still working people carrier vehicle causing great distress and at times a little whimpering. 

As night fell, the travellers made it back to their homeland, the county of Yorkshire breathing a huge sigh of relief, the county of Nottinghamshire telling Yorkshire no doubt, not to let them through it's borders again. 

But all should know. 
And fear. 
And dread. 
They shall return.

*******************BUT - we did ride somewhere!*******************

Sunday 24th May
Northern League

Division One

The return of former 'Young England' international Aiden Owen to the Sheffield line up, probably took away any doubts that the hosts would be troubled by Northumbria, a still competitive yet friendly encounter the result, with the Rockets racing away to a 20 point win. Jason Burke top scored for the Rockets, with Richard Hudson and Kyle Holland alongside Owen in support, Matt Parrott and Niall Morton also playing their parts well. Gavin Parr meanwhile was never headed for the Vikings, Daniel Wharrier deserving more than his eventual tally after a lively display, while the team riding Jason Keith and Terry Kirkup provided plenty of interest in their heats.

SHEFFIELD: Jason Burke 17+1, Kyle Holland 17, Richard Hudson 15+2, Aiden Owen 13+2, Matt Parrott 13+2, Niall Morton 13+1, Luke Morton 7, Ed Morton 5
NORTHUMBRIA: Gavin Parr 20, Jason Keith 14, Michael Parr 13, Terry Kirkup 11+1, Dan Wharrier 9+1, Dan Redshaw 6, Keith Oldham 4, Andy Knowles 3

Division Two

Joe Twigg blasted from the starts each time for a 20 point max for the Rockets, Ed Morton also unbeaten. With Sam Haines and an improving Niamh Morton also looking quick, there was again no chance of the visitors getting close, but they battled gamely in a another very enjoyable match. For the Vikings Keith Oldham dropped only one point from his three outings, while Archie Freeman provided plenty of interest every time he took to the track, the 10 year old already very competitive even at this level.

SHEFFIELD: Joe Twigg 20, Ed Morton 17+3, Sam Haines 17, Naimh Morton 14+1, Rob Mawhood 11+2, Daniel Rushton 8+2, Jack Brownell 4, Luke Morton dnr
NORTHUMBRIA: Keith Oldham 11, Neil Magee 10, Paul Thompson 9, Dan Redshaw 9, Andy Knowles 8+1, Archie Freeman 7, Jim Graham 5, Lee Redshaw 3

Division Three

The U-13 match proved to be closest of the day, the Vikings signing off with a great performance once more from Archie Freeman, Lee Redshaw consistent in back up and Lewis Petre ending with his best ride of the afternoon in beating Joe Brownell in heat 8. Sam Haines while always chased hard by Freeman went unbeaten, while Jack Brownell enjoyed some good early scraps with Redshaw to just about see his side home for the narrow win.

SHEFFIELD: Sam Haines 16, Jack Brownell 12, Joe Brownell 9
NORTHUMBRIA: Archie Freeman 14, Lee Redshaw 12, Lewis Petre 9

And Terry's Take:

I can't let that ugly spiel above go unanswered as it besmirches One's good name somewhat.
'Tis true I did imbibe of some unknown coloured liquid, after first ensuring by the swearing of oaths (actually the swearing of an oaf dressed in Marie Curie's 1950 Spring Collection) that there was no mention of the word "proof" on the strange injector. The strange effect it had on my vocal chords on the way home were probably a good indication as to why you should NEVER let your children partake of this foul filth. And as for the clown representing Oxfam's chain of outlets - phaaarp to you mate!
As to the whole point of the exercise, at least on Day Two at Sheffield, our hosts led by the incomparable Rob Mawhood were once again fantastic, welcoming, friendly and our young pal Kyle Holland extremely sporting and benevolent in letting me grab an extra point at his expense. I kid you a little, 'twas my teammate Jason, he of the sawn-off flares and fluffy cardigan who covered me exceptionally well today and I'm really grateful for that.
Not so grateful for him wrecking my precious Renault Scenic though, the basket.